What A Mofo
by VPrincess2011
Summary: Draco tries to woo Hermione through bad pick-up lines. Watch him succeed.
1. Chapter 1

[L]ove Dr[a]co Her[m]ion[e] Pick Up Lines

Author: HisLie1HerMistake

Summary: Draco tries to woo Hermione through lame pick-up lines. Watch him succeed.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and I don't own the Wizards of Waverly Place idea that's all Starkid Potter. Go and watch 'A Very Potter Musical' on YouTube.

Draco Malfoy. Pureblood. Slytherin Prince. Hogwarts Heartthrob. Had come to a startling realization, a shocking realization, a life changing realization that was about to change his life forever. He was in l-lo-lo-love with Hermione Granger. Muggleborn. Bookworm. Gryffindor Princess.

He couldn't begin to understand how or when all of this… attraction for her started. But he did understand it was too strong to end anytime soon. He also understood he always got what he wanted, and he wanted her. He'd have to find a way to woo her.

Day 1: Draco entered the library after dinner. He knew Hermione would be there and he was just dying to try out his new pick-up line. He'd heard it on his favorite show, Wizards of Waverly Place.

He made his way to her section of the library, and yes it was her section, the entire Hogwarts population knew to stay away from it when she was working. Harry knew, Ron knew and Draco did too, but it did not stop him from marching over there (and ending his life) and throwing his gorgeous bum down on the highly uncomfortable chair across from hers.

She was reading a fairly large textbook, catching up on her OWLS he presumed, even though they were still months away. She didn't seem to notice him, sitting there all fine looking, just waiting for her to look up and start drooling at the sight of him. Really, that sight in front could compare to the Empire State Building or the Eiffel Tower or something of that magnitude and she wasn't appreciating it.

"Ahem" Draco cleared his throat, not liking the feeling of being ignored. For gods sake he was Draco Malfoy, Slytherin sex god, how could he be ignored? Heads turned everywhere he went and she was just sitting there as if he was just a regular person sitting in front of her.

"What?" Hermione snapped, her hands holding her monster of a book with way more strength than was really necessary. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out she was annoyed, very annoyed, enough that she was planning to hex his balls off.

Draco sat up straight in his chair, fixed his tie and ran a hand through his hair. "Hi… Would you fuck me? Cause I'd fuck me real hard," He flashed her an award winning smile and winked his eyes shining with humor.

Hermione's eyes flashed, and not with humor. She stood up from her chair and walked to his side of the table, his eyes flickered with hope, but she lifted her arm and smacked his head with her titanic sized textbook. And that's all Draco remembers before it all went blank.


	2. Chapter 2

[L]ove Dr[a]co Her[m]ion[e] Pick Up Lines

**I have a question. You guys know those MySpace surveys? Well the other day I was taking one and there was a question. Do you brush your teeth in the shower? So me and my sister were arguing about it. So I would like you guys to answer it.**

Day: 2 The next day Hermione was sitting by the Black Lake, studying, like always. Occasionally she would look out towards the water or run her hands through the grass beneath her. She would close her eyes and just let the sun warm her face with a soft glow. To Draco she had never looked more beautiful.

That's why he had to do something about it. He couldn't just stand around and wait for Weasley to finally realize Hermione was a girl. He ran towards her as fast as he could. He could just feel it, the pressure being released from his shoulders with every inch he got closer to her. And then…THUMP! Draco laid sprawled out on the grass, his arms and legs sticking out awkwardly. He looked around making sure no body saw his fall and lifted himself up with as much dignity as he could muster.

He continued with his _stroll _towards Hermione and sat down next to her. "Hey beautiful. Do you clean your pants with Windex? Because I can practically see myself in them." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, throwing an arm around her shoulders.

"Malfoy, you ferret, so not touch me!" Hermione screamed being her normal dramatic self she whipped out for want expertly and pointed it at him.

The only time Draco had been that terrified was when he had been standing before

Amy Winehouse. That lady was coo-coo.

Hermione screamed "Levicorpus," And caused his whole body to float upside down over the Black Lake in a matter of seconds.

"Hermione! Let me down!"

"Okay," She released him form the curse and he went crashing down into the murky waters below…and that's all Draco remembers before his mind went blank.

**You guys weren't gonna get a chapter today cause I was going to watch Vamp's Suck with my brother. But we decided to go at 9:30 so here you have it. Lol. Also answer this question please, to end this whole argument with my sister. **

**Do you brush your teeth in the shower?**


	3. Chapter 3

[L]ove Dr[a]co Her[m]ion[e] Pick Up Lines

**Thanks you guys for reviewing and making my sister eat my dust. Lol. So everyone say they have or do brush their teeth in the shower. I don't know why my sister finds it so weird I think it saves time when you're hurrying to get to school or something. **

Day:3 "Today you will be attempting to make Amortentia. Now get into your partners." Drawled Snape. Everyone paired up, the Gryffindors sticking with the Gryffindors and the Slytherins with the Slytherins.

Hermione had paired up with Ron Weasley. Draco wasn't very happy about this but there was little he could do.

Hermione stood from her seat in the front of the class and walked to the back to gather her ingredients. Draco watched her gather everything she'd need and walk back.

She couldn't just leave like that! Away from him! That was outrageous! "Hey Hermione? Are you wearing space pants cause your ass it outta this world!" Draco hollered. All heads in the room turned to him in sync. All jaws dropped, and all eyes popped out of their sockets.

"Draco Malfoy! Are you calling my butt fat!" Asked the shrilling voice of Hermione Granger. She was red-faced more from anger than embarrassment. Hermione turned, grabbed Blaise Zabini's cauldron that was resting in front of him and crashed it into Draco's head… and that's all her remembers before his mind went blank.

**Another question. **

**If you had a sister that was about 16 and she came home one night saying she kissed 29 guys in one night what would you say?**


	4. Chapter 4

[L]ove Dr[a]co Her[m]ion[e] Pick Up Lines

**Thanks for the reviews! My fave answer for last chapters question was "Let's whip out the mouthwash and rinse away all that grossness." From Soulspirit18. And just so you know that didn't really happen it was a hypothetical question. My sister is 19, and engaged for that matter.**

Day 4: All the prefects were leaving the room, disappointed they didn't witness one of the infamous Granger/Malfoy fights. It had been the talk of the school for months now how Draco Malfoy had been chasing after the Head Girl. Not a lot of people were happy with that, most of the female population gave Hermione the evil eye for messing with 'their' man. It would be quite hilarious if the glares weren't directed at her.

After the room had been emptied out, Hermione and Draco began cleaning their workspace, leaving the room in its previous state. Draco was merrily humming along to some song, foreign to Hermione .

As they left, Hermione couldn't help checking him out. He had muscular arms, broad shoulders, and she had to admit Padma was right, he did have a fit bum.

"Do you work for UPS? Because I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package," Draco said throwing his famous Malfoy smirk her way.

"I was not!"

"Was too,"

"Was not!"

"Was not,"

"Was too!"

"Ha! You admit it!"

"Admit what? Draco you arse!"

"Yeah ain't it good lookin'?"

"Hate you!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Do not!"

"I'm not doing this again!" Hermione screamed, and with that she Levicorpus-ed a portrait and dropped it on Draco's head…and that's all he remembers before it all went blank.

**New question: If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?**

**New question: While starving on a desert island, eat a live moth with a body the size of a tomato worm and wing span four inches, or eat a dead hummingbird with the feathers?**


	5. Chapter 5

[L]ove Dr[a]co Her[m]ion[e] Pick Up Lines

Day 5: Hermione was walking from Transfiguration with Harry and Ron. They were arguing over the best beater and Hermione wanted no part of it.

As they reached The Fat Lady, Hermione saw Draco leaning on the wall next to her. His eyes lit up when he saw her approaching and he immediately got on one knee. Hermione had a horrified look on her face. He was going to ask her to marry him! When Hermione nervously reached him he looked her in the eyes deeply.

"My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in," He fumbled around his pocket for a minute before taking out a Ring Pop and sliding it onto her finger.

Harry and Ron snickered behind them. "Well you can't get more romantic than that," whispered Ron to Harry.

Hermione was still flabbergasted, standing there like a fish out of water. Just then the portrait swings open and smacks Draco on the back of the head sending him flying forward arms flinging wildly…and that's all Draco remembers before it all went blank.

**Question:If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?**


	6. Chapter 6

[L]ove Dr[a]co Her[m]ion[e] Pick Up Lines

**Fact: The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!**

Day: 6 Hermione and Draco sat in Ancient Runes class. As Head Boy and Girl they were working on a special assignment given to them by Professor Babbling. They sat in the far back of the room to not disturb the rest of the students. Draco and Hermione being far more advanced than the rest of their classmates, had managed to decode more complicated runes in half of the class time. Now they were just lounging around waiting for class to end.

"Pshh…" Draco whispered. He was totally bored. He had even given up looking out the window in their 5th floor room. It had quite a nice view. He was able to see who was snogging who in the back of the shack. It made for good blackmail later.

"Hermione…Pshh…" Draco continued, poking her with his quill this time.

"What, Malfoy?" Hermione whispered back.

"I'm bored"

"Good for you. Now leave me alone," answered Hermione annoyed. She flicked her hair back like a snobby girl and turned back to her book.

"Lets talk about something." Draco suggested, still childishly whispering.

Hermione finally deciding she wasn't going to get any extra reading done in this class, turned to look at him. "Like what?"

"How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?" Draco smirked. His eyes shining with the usual humor he held in them.

"How about you go jump out that window?" Hermione remarked pointing at the very window he spent his whole class time looking out of.

"How about you and me go snog behind that shack so everyone can see us from THAT window?"

"How about I throw you off THAT window?"

"Love, I didn't know you were that anxious to get me behind that shack that you'd consider throwing me to get there quicker."

Hermione stood up furiously, sending her chair toppling over. She took Draco's ear and dragged him to the window, pushing him out. Draco's screams faded out as he fell lower. He saw the 4th floor, the 3rd floor the 2nd floor…and that's all he remembers before his mind went blank.

**I don't like this chapter very much. I think I could have done better and I think it wasn't that funny. But please review and tell me what you think. And since I have now ran out of stupid idiotic questions I will now more onto stupid idiotic facts that you will never need to know and I only know them because I spend my time on Google. Lol**

**Fact: After the death of Albert Einstein his brain was removed by a pathologist and put in a jar for future study.**


	7. Chapter 7

[L]ove Dr[a]co Her[m]ion[e] Pick Up Lines

Day 7: All the 7th year Hogwarts students had been permitted to leave school grounds and visit Hogsmeade. Most girls were doing their dress shopping as there was a ball being held during the end of the month, but Hermione being Hermione was sitting down cross-legged in her favorite book shop. She had been there for hours with different books propped up on her lap examining them to see which ones where worth buying.

She had been so engrossed in her reading she had not noticed Draco Malfoy, now sporting a broken arm enter the small, cozy shop as well. He joined her sitting down, which she did not seem to notice. He waved his hand in front of him and still nothing. He tapped the wooded floor with his good hand and yet she was still in her own world.

"Ahemm."

"What?" Hermione snapped.

Draco looked pointedly at his arm. "Well aren't you going to apologize?"

"Sorry but love kills you slowly,"

"Tell me about it" Draco murmured. "Oh, damn it, I forgot," he spoke louder, getting up. He didn't say anything else, just walked out of the shop turned around and walked back in. He resumed his spot back with Hermione. "Hey my name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy tha-"

"Malfoy I've known you for like 6 years,"

Draco punched the ground frustrated. "Ugh! Hermione! You didn't let me finish! Here let me do it again," He got up, walked out and walked back in. "Hey my name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy that's so you know what to scream,"

"Malfoy!" Hermione got up and stomped out of the shop.

Poor Draco just watched her leave and being the spoiled boy he had always been childishly threw a tantrum, throwing books, cussing and kicking shelves…until one fell, which cause the other to fall which caused the other which caused the other and pretty soon Draco was buried in a ridiculous amounts of gigantic books…and that's all he remembers before it all went blank.

**You can thank my fathers infamous burnt pancakes and Kleenex (I have a cold) for this chapter. There will be about 3 more chapters to this story. It was supposed to end before the "Sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up," chapter but LadyBookworm80 suggested that so I put it in. I also heard some new 'good' lines so that makes 3 more chapters.**

**Fact: The idea for "tribbles" in "Star Trek" came from gerbils, since some gerbils are actually born pregnant. **


	8. Chapter 8

[L]ove Dr[a]co Her[m]ion[e] Pick Up Lines

Day 8: Hermione was reading quietly in the library like she always did on Monday nights. No one was there, all students too busy playing Wizards Chess or Exploding Snap in their own common rooms to read. As Hermione turned a page of her new book she heard shuffling behind her followed by heavy breathing. Her thoughts immediately went to that horror film she had watched with her parents the summer before. It was just like that, girl sits in the dark murderer jumps out murderously and murders her.

Hermione clutched the book in her hands, and jumped out of her comfortable chair to strike a ninja pose, trying to frighten her attacker. When the murderer stepped out of the shadows it wasn't how she expected a hardcore killer to look. He was rocking his footsie Hello Kitty pajamas and a sparkly headband was wrapped around his head keeping his blonde locks out of his face.

Upon closer inspection Hermione realized it was Draco Malfoy. It was wonders what clothes did to a person.

"Hi, do you want to have my children?" Draco asked her.

"No," Hermione answered. She had long ago gone back to her book seeing as the most dangerous person in the library was a fan of Hello Kitty.

"Well how 'bout we practice?" Draco asked.

"Yeah, not in those pajamas,"

"What's wrong with these pajamas? I asked the guy at that one muggle store for the best PJ's and he said these were popular among the girls. They supposedly love them."

"Yeah, Malfoy. They love them on themselves not on guys,"

"Well that's stupid. They're comfortable," Draco threw himself in the chair opposite Hermione's and fell asleep…and that's all he remembers before his mind went blank.

**And there it is. The Hello Kitty idea came from this one guy in my science class. He's one of those badass guys, gothic, with the chain pants, piercings and all of a sudden yesterday he shows up in pink Hello Kitty PJ's. I cant believe I thought he was cute. Lol.**

**Fact: Centuries ago, purchasing real estate often required having one or more limbs amputated in order to prevent the purchaser from running away to avoid repayment of the loan. Hence an expensive purchase was said to cost "an arm and a leg." **


	9. Chapter 9

[L]ove Dr[a]co Her[m]ion[e] Pick Up Lines

Day 9: Hermione, Ron and Harry were walking back to the castle having just visited Hagrid, the half giant gamekeeper. They all clutched their cloaks tighter against themselves to prevent the cold from chilling their skin. It had only been about three minutes since they left Hagrid's little cot and their face was already flushed red from the low temperatures, all they wanted to do at this point was get to the cozy Gryffindor common room, put on their fluffy socks and have a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows. All of these were just fantasies for now until they managed to walk the steeply hill that the magnificent Hogwarts castle was located on.

The three looked up into the sky when a whishing sound was made above their heads. Flying up there was a very pale, very red Draco Malfoy. "Hwey Hewrmione, wahnt ah righed bahck?"

"Sure thing Malfoy," By now Hermione wasn't about to say no to a chance to get up to the warm confines of the castle, even if that chance did come as a irate, sick and annoying blond ferret. She mounted the perfectly polished broom, that Draco so obviously took extreme care of and waved goodbye to the boys. Well if one of them could escape the cold they had to take that chance. It was better that two thirds of the 'Golden Trio' died of hypothermia then all three of them die.

Draco and Hermione flew in through the open windows located on the 5th floor. He helped her off the broom like the perfect gentleman he was brought up to be, Death Eater activities aside. They rounded a corner heading to the Gryffindor common room, he was very obviously walking Hermione to her common room, she just wanted to get rid of him.

"Excwuse me, did yew just towch my awss?" Draco asked in mock surprise.

"Uh.." Was her brilliant reply having no idea what the bloody hell he was talking about.

"No? Well dawmn," They continued walking. "Hwey Hewrmione I wanted two gow see thaght new mowvie coming owut tomwarrow but mah mum said I couldn't gow alowne. Yew wanna cume?" Hermione had to strain her ears to hear and understand him, he had a pretty bad cold, no wonder his mum wouldn't let him go to the cinema by himself.

"I'd love to, but I think you better stay in bed,"

Draco couldn't believe it. She-as in Hermione Granger-was actually concerned about his health. He could do a happy dance right there, all those cool moves Blaise had shown him, the Macarena, the polka, the worm. According to Blaise those dance steps were 'beast' among the muggles these days, they had been practicing for the past couple of weeks to try to impress all the 'chicks'.

He was so excited he started to lean forward, hoping to capture her soft lips in a breathtaking kiss. He leaned farther in, he was so close, just a few centimeters away….

And he sneezed. Right there, right in front of the love of his life's face. He had sprayed her with his saliva. He couldn't help it! It was the stupid cold he had caught! Unable to face that embarrassing moment he ran for it. And ran. And ran. Until he passed out from exhaustion and everything went blank in his mind.

**It was about time I updated. This chapter is not one of my favorites. And sorry for not updating, a lot of things have been going on with friends, or ex- friends I should say. **

**Fact: Silly Putty was "discovered" as the residue left behind after the first latex condoms were produced. It's not widely publicized for obvious reasons. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Draco was laying in bed, under several wool blankets covering his aching body from the chill of the stone dormitories in the Slytherin dungeons. At times like these he despised the cold that came along with his house. But he hated the boring-ness that came along with it even more. He had been confined to the dungeons for three days, only being allowed out of his dormitory thirty minutes each day. It was not enough to entertain him and keep him happy. He needed warm-blooded females with him 24 hours a day, there was one in particular really , the only one he actually cared about and tried to woo into his life. Yet that stubborn witch wouldn't fall for his charm.**

**It was totally unfair. Life just had this way of throwing everything back at him, he had rejected all those girls before and now it all seemed to be coming him and biting him on his sexy bum, now HE was the one being rejected by his hearts desire. He threw a photo of a 2nd**** year Hermione sitting on his bed table out of pure frustration. He heard the thud as it hit the wall and then the clash of it bumping into all his other things. He lifted his blankets off his face to see what damage he'd inflicted this time. Upon seeing his horrible, frightening, plain scary sight of his Hermione shrine being all out of place he fell out of his bed throwing himself next to the life sized Hermione poster.**

**It wasn't stalkerish or anything, he just had a good taste in decorating. He knew what would look well hanging on his walls. Who do you think helped Narcissa with her hair and makeup? Cause of course it wasn't all her own doing. She was absolutely hopeless with that kind of thing. **

**As he calculated exactly where Hermione's hairbrush went in his 'place of worship' the door flew open revealing a real, breathing Hermione at his door.**

"**Hey is that my brush?" She hollered.**

**Draco looked up to her, his eyes wide at being caught. "Uhm. Maybe?"**

"**Oh that is soooo romantic. You steal my hairbrush because you think my hair is perfect the way it is!" Hermione screeched throwing herself into Draco's surprised arms. But hey -hay is for horses- Draco wasn't complaining.**

"**Sureeeee. Lets go with that."**

"**Hey is that the tampon I used the other day?" Hermione asked.**

"**Sure is darlin' Hermione" Responded Draco, head held high obviously very proud of himself.**

"**Draco I love you,"**

**And this is how this wooing tale ends my folks and I just hope you all learned the moral of this fantastical story and that is: STALKERS, they're not romantic. They're CREEPY. Call the cops!**

**So this is the end my friends. First story I have finished and I'm absolutely proud. Now I was just in that 'writing' mood. But I also deleted most of my stories, I felt I've grown since I started posting and my writing has improved so I'm going to be working on some new stuff hopefully.**


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